(5) I hate.....forgetting the answers to things I already know

Okay, so here is where my geek comes out.

A few days ago I was talking about Lord of the Rings with my partner. Shes not as into it as I am. I am VERY knowledgeable about all things Middle Earth, and can win practically every time on Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit.

But during mid-chat that day, I completely forgot the name of the riverside city that lies to the east of Minas Tirith. A very basic question that I KNEW I knew the answer to.

But I just could not remember it.

And the more I couldn't remember it, the more pissed off I got with myself.

At the end point I was sat at my computer, mouse hovering over google ready to search the name of the Valor damned place.

I was a wreck. Honestly. I wavered over whether I should search it, like a hobbit deciding whether to cast The One Ring into Mount Doom, or just see if I could remember it.

But in the end it just got too much, with the beginning of a tear in my eye, and a very deep sense of disappointment in myself, I clicked the search button.

Osgiliath.

It was awful. Like someone losing a sports game or stabbing an Uruk-hai only to realise you missed every major artery and hes still alive.

And I have been kicking myself in the vagina ever since.

And it happens all the time. I'm always forgetting stuff I know. And I HATE it. Its so embarrasing!

What will it be next?

Will I forget the name of the crystal that make your lightsabre blade pink?

Will I forget who sang the song 'Happy Happy, Joy Joy'?

Will I forget who wrote the dictionary?

Well, just in case, Im writing them here for reference:
Lambent, Stinky Wizzleteats, Jesus.

Job Done.

(4) I hate.....people who pronounce it 'Come in'

Take a look at this picture:

See it?

Good.

That's half the battle right there.

Now this product is a spice that can be found in many a kitchen cupboard. I personally love it in curries. If the recipe tells you to put some in it, I generally double it.

Nom nom nom.

OK, here's the next bit.

See the label. This tells you what it is.

Genius, I know!

It reads 'Ground Cumin'.

Say it with me:

'Cumin'

Now, if when you said this word you pronounced it 'cue-min' then you are all my friends and are able to read well and speak proper English.

You, my friend, are proof that the education system in Great Britain works.

I love you like my girlfriend, and would make love to you similarly. Unless you happen to be her, in which case I would make love you like no other.

Think I got out of that one....

But, if when you said the word you pronounced it ' come -in', you are a total and utter numpty. A berk of the highest nature. Who the hell taught you to speak?

Say the letters! Its C, U, M, I, N.

U sounds like the word 'you'.

As seen in the phrase 'You idiot, its pronounced 'Cue-min'.

I shun you like I would a Nazi.

(3) I hate.....Huge Grant

Look at this smug twat....

Just take a minute to really absorb his wet, dripping charm and posh British cheekiness....

What a scamp.

And then use your forehead to nut him one for being such a twat.

But where is he now, eh? Hasn't been in a film for ages. Even Richard Curtis has had enough of him!

(Though Curtis couldn't write a decent rom-com to save his life)

Its his voice that really gets to me. That stuttery gibberish he spouts while casually flicking at his matted hair.

Most actors have a whole range of voices to portray different characters, as, as we all know, every person is different. Trying to convey a different story, and putting across different life experiences. But not Huge Grant (I call him Huge, I'm sure it would piss him off). He only has the one floppy voice to portray his various characters.

This is because he only really plays one character. 'Lovable Rogue'.

Take ANY film his has EVER been in, and he will be playing a 'lovable rogue'.

This means that if you have seen one film that Huge Grant has been in, you will have seen them all. As well as all the characters he can play.

So why do the girls love him? Well, its because he is always in poncey girly films and period dramas (don't get me started on period dramas).

He would be lost in an action film. Just as lost as he would be in a comedy.

Anyway, I don't think the girls do like him anymore.

All drippy Grant can do is make an old ladies knickers similar.

What a twat!

(2) I hate.....renamed Opal Fruits

You know what REALLY pains me. To say the word 'Starburst'.
Now, if I happen to want to read Starburst magazine, I have no trouble with it. But if what I'm really after are the fruity chewy sweets wrapped in multi coloured wrappers, I just cant say it.

Because to me, they will always be Opal Fruits.

Now, don't get me started on how they combined the individual lemon and lime favoured ones to make lemon /lime Opal Fruits. That's bad enough.
But when I eat into an Opal Fruit, it does not seem to me that a star is bursting in my mouth.

They are Opaline in appearance, and fruity. They are OPAL FRUITS.

Never will I enter a store and ask for Starbursts. And never will I ask you for any.
I have adopted the Snickers bar over the Marathon. But I am not prepared to change the names of my comestibles anymore.
What the hell is Cushelle? It will always be Ch-ch-ch-ch- Charmin arse wipe. And the lemon for pancakes is a JIF lemon, just like the oven cleaner JIF. I'm not even sure what Cif oven cleaner is.

And its all down to those fucking Americans re-branding our products. What makes them so special? Lets make them change the name of a few things!

They are, and will always be Opal Fruits. For I am a rational, traditional, Briton.

(1) I hate.....Waitrose

Many years ago now, me and the ex and my daughter went up to Stonehouse in Gloustershire to see my exes grandparents.
We stopped off at the local Waitrose.
Not to shop there, but to pop into the town to pick up a couple of forgotten supplies.
After half an hour or so, we returned to the car to find that some sneaky Waitrose car park attendants has put a parking ticket on our car.

Apparently there was no parking in the car park unless you were shopping at the Waitrose, and if you used the car park to park in to go into town, you had to pay a parking fine.

Now, we did not know this. And there was not one message or sign to be found anywhere to tell people about this.
So I took it upon myself to have a confrontation with the manager of the store.
The confrontation occurred, which led to the fine being torn up and unpaid.
Apparently EVERYONE knows that the local Waitrose car park is not to be parked in unless shopping at it. Which, of course I should know, seeing as though it is so local to my home town of Basingstoke.

A letter of complaint followed. Stating a few issues about the money grabbing fuck-wit company who cant write simple signs to inform people of their stupid rules.
Although, it was more politely written than that.

And so here is where my hatred for the place starts. As I received NO apology.
None at all.
And now, even today, I refuse to enter a Waitrose store.
All they had to do was say sorry.
That's all.

If I really do HAVE to enter a Waitrose store, I piss and moan the whole way round. I grab random items and move them around the store. I turn rows of tins of beans all upside down and create havoc.
I went into one with Hazel a month or 2 ago, which led to a shelf of sanitary towels being scattered on the floor.

Its my little form of protest.
I'm sure the managers at the top feel all the repercussions of this.......
Well, maybe not, but some things you just don't forget.
And its like exercising my demons.

An Update and New Beginning

Check it out now! Like the funk soul brother that you are!
So the blogging everyday idea just got harder and harder. I mean, who has the time, really?
And more importantly, who cares?
No-one, thats who!
So Im going to just write random stuff down at random times.
Starting with a nice long list of things I hate.

I hate loads of stuff.
I mean, some things I just dont like.
But some things I hate.
And like the grumpy old man I am, Im going to write them down on here.
Enjoy.....
In fact....hate....dont enjoy it....hate it.....